Have you ever heard of Taryn Brumfitt? Neither had I, until I saw a video of her today, where she talked about her body image and how it changed.
And it not only made me cry (ok, I’m a cry baby anyways) but it made me realize that I’m a big hypocrite. And I hate hypocrites. Therefore I’m having a hard time liking myself right now.
One of my main “goals” with is to inspire and most importantly help other girls going through body issues. And I’ve failed completely.
Growing up I hated my body. I don’t know when it started or why. There is no one I can blame or a certain moment in time when I can say “that’s when it started”, because I truly do not know. I know I started developing a woman’s body very early, but I wasn’t aware of it. Looking back I realize I heard a lot of comments and didn’t understand them and even though it might be part of the reason I didn’t like my body, I cannot and will not say that it is.
When I was 18 I liked my body. I lost a lot of weight in my senior year of high-school and I liked it. Whether it was the attention and positive feedback I got from everyone or the fact that I felt more energetic, I don’t know. I felt good, I liked to show off my body (in a good way!) and I even though I didn’t have the healthiest diet ever, I was pretty ok with it. Life was good. I felt good. I had my normal weight fluctuations, but it didn’t bother me and I still looked (and felt!!!) good.
Me at 18, December 2006
In August 2008 I was diagnose with a pneumonia. Pretty standard thing. Only, I was treated with a medicine that I am allergic too and completely threw my body off balance. By the time I left the hospital (after two weeks) I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I couldn’t walk without being tired. It didn’t matter what I ate, I would put on weight. It was bad. I was going to the gym with my then boyfriend (who very nicely kept reminding me how unattractive I looked and how I should eat even less and work out more. That was a keeper, eh?). So I started hating my body again. I started starving myself again. And the thing is, it worked. Not like it had before, because my metabolism was completely fucked up, but it did.
It took me until last year to really feel somewhat comfortable with my body. I had boyfriends who constantly criticized me and pointed out the things I already felt self-conscious about (wobbly arms, cellulite or a belly anyone?) and I just let that bring me down. Do I feel 100% comfortable? No. Every year for the past 5 years I’ve told myself I will go out in a t-shirt and show my arms in the Summer, but when the time comes, I get (literally!) anxiety attacks over it.
I do truly believe every body is beautiful. In their own way, with whatever “imperfections” it might have, because it is unique to one person. It tells a story, it’s been through good and bad things, sometimes even horrible things. Our bodies are so strong, endure so so much, and never get the credit for it. We keep hating out bodies without even realizing everything with put them through. We create babies and to me that’s a fucking miracle right there!!! Our bodies should be seen and treated like heroes. Like the masterpieces they are.
And that’s why I say I’m a hypocrite. Because I do believe we are all perfect (in our own imperfections, because those are what make us unique and being unique is being perfect), but when I look in the mirror, I don’t see it. When someone else tells me “I’m so fat/have so much cellulite/should stop eating” etc, I tell them how beautiful they are! And I believe it!
So why can’t I do the same with my own body? With my very own masterpiece, perfect just the way it is? Don’t get me wrong..I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin. I would walk naked around the house (and I’ve done it sometimes when the drapes are closed.), but when I think about someone else seeing me, I cringe. It’s not even about a boyfriend seeing me, it’s really about going out and showing my arms or wearing shorter skirts in the summer or whatever I feel like wearing.
Who made us women hate out bodies so much? Society keeps it going on, but who started this? And why can’t we just stop it? Especially since we do know better…we see it…we encourage others.